Stories anyone?

[Chocolate]

I decided to make this so if anyone needs support with writing that doesnt invovle angelic wars you can come here to get it.

I personally wanted to post my Prolouge for my story called Long Forgotten. I wanted some critism and thought that ya'll ight be the ones to be honest with me about it. n.n since noone else really is... Anyway here it is.

A soft wind blows through the trees, taking with it the life of the never ending forest. My foot crunched through the thin layers of leaves and into the soft earth below. I found myself slowly seeping into the ground, as if becoming one with the planet surrounding me. I took another step, picking up my pace as the forest become silent. I exhaled the breath that I had been holding hostage in my lungs as a rabbit scurried by my feet. It wasn't time for my departure yet.

I leaned agaisnt a near by oak tree, closing my eyes slightly. It had been days since I last slept. I could barely stay standing. I took in the sweet aroma of roses that tinted the air with its sweetness, letting it overwhelm me. No noise, not the slight rustle of leaves, nor the sound of muted paws hammering agaisnt the ground. It was time to go, but I didn't want to leave.

I tried to shut out the rest of the world, the golden leaves, the magnificent trees, the blue jays that sat on there branches, in hopes that he would dissapear and leave me to my peace in my safe Haven. "It is time to leave." His velvety voice said, coaxing me to turn around and face the angelic demon. At any other time I would have jumped at the oppurtunity to see his perfect face, molded by god himself no doubt, but now I couldn't stand to look at him, in fear that I might burst into tears. "So soon?" I asked, my voice ringing out like bells in the silence. I hoped that he would at least let me say good-bye to my perfect world. his wings rustled restlessly and I could just imagine the scowl on his face. I winced slightly just thinking about it.

He grabbed my arm, roughly, pulling me closer to him. "You know the rule." He whispered into my ears, my back pressed agaisnt his bare chest. I looked up into his gorgeous green eyes, knowing that I must have looked pathetic to him. I pulled away from him, closing my eyes as the tears finally won and rolled down my face. "Somehow, I thought this day would never come." I whispered as he led me out of the forest.

[Bogwoppit]

Well for a start, that is really, really good

A couple of things:

Firstly, make sure you proof read before you post - you've spelt 'against' wrong twice and I have noticed in your RP posts you tend to make spelling mistakes which are very common (ie, missing letters or letters in the wrong order). It's easily done, we've all done it when we're eager to post! But it's also the easiest to rectify... I always click 'Preview' before I post so that I can read it over as it will appear on the forum.

Secondly, I always tend to write dialogue on a separate line with spaces in between the lines. This achieves two things:

One, it makes it easier for readers to see when someone is speaking, and two, it makes your post look longer!!

And lastly... try to find alternative beginnings to sentences, rather than using 'I...' all the time. In a couple of sentences you have, and it reads well. But it's particularly difficult to do that when writing in the first person. You could try things like,

"I leaned against a near by oak tree, closing my eyes slightly. It had been days since I last slept, and I could barely stay standing. The sweet aroma of roses that tinted the air with its sweetness overwhelmed me..."


Those are only suggestions though. As I say, it's really good piece of writing

[snow]

I love some of your word choices Holding breath 'hostage' and roses 'tainting' the air are two of my favourites.

As Woppit says, careful proofreading and paragraphing make things easier to read. I learnt the "TiP ToP" rule, which is that you have a new paragraph when the Time, Place, Topic or Person change. This covers speech -- every time a new person speaks, new line.

Also check your tense: you started in the present, then it became the past. I was really, really bad at this until a while back...

Nice intrigue going on, but there's not much sense of time. What time of day is it? What season? Set the scene. You've done some great description, but I wanna see a little bit more!

One last thing: leaves don't crunch unless they're dead or frozen

[Chocolate]

Thanks, and yea, Before I was even worse About the tenses, Im just glad that I stayed all in first paragraph, because if I'm not paying attention to what I'm writing I will switch from First to third often, an old habit that I am conquering. The grammer is because I am a horrible speller and that my keyboard likes to stick and make things hard for me. Thanks, I shall work on it, and proofread. n.n

Edit: Yea, the leaves on the ground are dead.

[fabledtales]

Since we're sharing stories...I started a writing project, because, I'm about to go crazy, I tend to stay inside in winter, and I'm an outdoors girl, so its starting to drive me crazy. Anyways, its kinda rough but when you get a chance let me know what you think. I haven't written a sci fi since I was 17, so 7 years ;D , I normally write D&D style fantasy. My writing style has changed, so I'm wondering how terrible it is

tofindher.blogspot.com/2011/02/to-find-her-intro.html

I can't post it here because its 4 pages long, heh, and its separate from my normal writing blog since I'm going to make a series out of it just to keep me sane till spring!

[sonata]

All right; so my comments on your work in general as far as the story goes is great. I don't see anything wrong with your story. You got a good plot building up, and it is very rare that another person's fiction can keep my attention to the end of it.

Another comment I want to make was when you had the rich people living above the poor, it made me think of FF7. Like that game had some influence. Not a lot but just slightly.

I like how you give names to the social classes: slang "richer" and then "grunts." I also find the "regen" thing very unique. How the characters in your story's universe have a technology to return their body to youth. That was just unique and original to me. It might not be, but idc. I haven't seen it done. Somewhere in the world it might already be done, but I haven't seen it done on a popular level so kudos.

Now, grammar-wise, I got about three suggestions: 1) You should be making a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. Instead, you box all the dialog into one solid block. You need to break up that block. It created a huge problem because all I remembered seeing was "He" and "Him." I didn't even remember the main character's name by the end of the story. I had to go back and read because it was lost in that mass of words. You also seemed to introduce everyone but the female scientist at the end.

2) I recommend for when the scene changed from the flashback to the main character's job, you should double space that area to show a fast-forward in time or change of scene.

3) I notice you always write "frack" instead of fuck. I was curious as to why? Because you write "asshole," "prick," and all other profane words just fine. When you write "frack" it makes me think of a child or juvenile automatically. Writers should separate themselves from their work, so if there's some personal dislike for the F word, it shouldn't get in the way of your work. I mean, maybe it can if you become so successful that people in the future will be reading your work in creative writing classes and wondering, "How come the author always writes 'frack?'" And they explain the story behind it. But honestly...idk. I just can't help but imagine a child writer whenever I see it.

I hope that critique helps. As you can see, I'm a very honest critic because I'd want people to be honest when they critique me.

[fabledtales]

The frack thing is because other people don't like the F bomb, in microsft word I have the actual swear word. In my other writing blog I had people actually complain to blogger about using it, even though when it pops up it says "warning, this blog may contain adult content", strange how they complain about the F bomb and not about the other stuff in there

I've never gotten into final fantasy except for the "spirits within movie" so I'll have to rent it to make sure they're not too similar.

Thanks for the suggestions, that's why I ask people to look at it, to help make it better.